This past Halloween marked the second anniversary of our son Cam's death. That day, I posted a picture of Cam and me on Instagram; we were celebrating his 18th birthday at the cottage and we are sharing a loving hug. The responses to the picture were so kind and so numerous that I could not answer every person, every sweet inquiry, every reminiscence. So this short article is an attempt to do that.
Since Cam's death, I have become keenly aware of an obligation to go through life with an open mind. I think I have always been aware of the need for holistic integration, for eating/living/drinking/exercising/sleeping and breathing in ways deliberately calculated to raise energy and reduce negativity. This has become of utmost importance since Cam’s passing. I think of it as living lighter, at a higher vibration, avoiding physical and emotional toxins. Its spiritual equivalent, for me, is to keep out of the mire, to remain open to messages and signs. I am so grateful for the people who allow me to do this, for the many friends whose energy and spirit elevate my own. It would be extremely misleading to say that I am "recovered" from the death of my son, that I can offer you my “cured” self, all neatly packaged. But I can say that living with a purpose helps, as do the signs that I have been blessed to receive. I'd like to share a few of them with you.
Several years ago I created a new e-mail account, “beefree1014". As a beekeeper and a person who wishes for everyone to enjoy freedom (the freedom to live our dreams, freedom from the weight of expectations, negative thoughts, physical pain, and the eventual freedom from our physical bodies - the freedom to return to our spiritual Home), the first part had a deep significance for me. The numbers referred to the Fire Route for my cottage, a place that has anchored and delighted me my entire life. The cottage road sign had become worn over the years, and recently a neighbour and friend offered to re-paint it. She asked my permission to do it in homage to Cam, which of course I agreed to. When presenting me with the finished product she said, "I knew you wouldn't mind my dedicating it to him, since I saw you had already done that in your e-mail handle."
For the first time I realized that, years before Cam's death, I had unwittingly enshrined his death date, and my hope for his afterlife, in that choice.
Signs come through all the time. They come in dreams, in chance encounters, even in...license plates?!
The first time this happened was on the day of the first Cam's Kids Golf Tournament and Dinner at Wooden Sticks, where he used to work in the summers. I left the event to go participate in the Oak Ridges Moraine Relay, and of course, as I biked, my thoughts were full of Cam. Biking towards the finish line, with my heart and mind full of him, the first thing I saw was a license plate on a vehicle just past the finish: ‘CAM 001’.
More recently, I saw the license plate ‘CAMH 914’ on a truck parked right in front of mine. I took a picture and shared it with some friends. The added last initial was pretty cool but I kept wondering about the numerical significance. I looked up the numbers in my angel book of numerology and discovered the following message, “The angels are watching over your career, and are guiding you along the path of your Divine purpose.”
I truly believe that Cam is alive in a new way now, that the work we do in his name matters, that I can stay open to his presence and gain hope and strength. Gord and I fasted on the anniversary of his death. We stayed light, and we truly felt buoyed up by all the love and prayers and thoughts that were being sent our way. I think that my choice of the picture I posted that day has some significance.
Though I no longer see my son's face, I do feel his presence. I may no longer feel his physical hug, but I remain conscious of his love, his strength and his support, even though it requires a new kind of awareness. My heartfelt thanks go out to those who support us on this path; with your help we will continue to work to help others find their own freedom.
Linda, Cam’s mother
With Special Thanks to Trish Boyko and Sheila-Marie Richardson